Why Do Men Cheat? 15 Reasons Why Your Husband is Having an Affair
Cheating. It might be a dirty word in relationships, but there’s no doubt it’s a common one. Try as we might to avoid temptation, and at the same time, avoid partnering up with those who give in to it, there’s just no guarantee on monogamy — and there’s no greater betrayal than finding out your husband is cheating. Though women cheat too, men seem to own the cheating space making us all wonder why — why do they do it and why is it more talked about? To figure out why infidelity in marriage and cheating on your partner is still as common as ever, we turned to the experts. Read on for some of the top reasons why your husband may be having an affair, according to 15 different experts on the subject.
Why do men cheat: Immaturity
In an article for Psychology Today, therapist and author Robert Weiss cites immaturity as one of the leading “real reasons” men cheat. Weiss notes that while he’s heard some creative reasoning from cheaters over the years, those tend to be justifications masked mostly in denial. Getting to the real reasoning, Weiss claims that when someone has little background in long-term relationships, their understanding of the consequences behind behaviours such as cheating might be limited. With a lack of maturity in the realm of adult-relationships, someone might not be able to understand the scope of their actions in relation to their partner, often believing there might be room for fluidity in their responsibility to be faithful.
Why do men cheat: Resentment
Dee Holmes, a relationship coach, spoke with The Independent and noted resentment as one of the primary emotional triggers of cheating. Specifically, the feelings of being neglected, wherein their infidelity becomes a way to recapture their partner’s attention. Of course, if someone is feeling neglected — it's their responsibility to communicate that in the relationship. And some folks have an excessive need for attention — it's a sign your partner is a narcissist.
Why do men cheat: It goes beyond the relationship
Relationship counselor, author and podcast host Esther Perel gave her expert opinion in an interview with The Washington Post, and was quick to point out that in many cases, cheating has very little to do with the person being cheated on and more to do with personal battles the guilty party may be dealing with. Perel goes on to say that not every case of infidelity is caused by a failing marriage — or “troubled people” — but that sometimes, it’s quite simply the “expressions of people seeking something.”
Why do men cheat: The primary triggers
In an online blog post for Psychology Today, Kelly Campbell, Ph.D., believes that the reasons behind infidelity may vary, but are typically attributed to one of three primary individual risk factors: gender (men being more likely to cheat), personality (people who have less conscientious and less agreeable personalities are more likely than people high on these traits to commit infidelity) and religious or political orientation (as those with more rigid values are less likely to cheat). By narrowing down where the cause of infidelity stems from, Campbell believes you can then really get to the root of the reasoning.
Why do men cheat: Validation
Marriage and family therapist Daniel Dashnaw points out in an article for Couples Therapy Inc., suggests “validation vulnerability” as one of the key reasons why married men cheat. Dashnaw goes on to say that in a bid to satisfy the “hunger for attention,” men can look outside of their relationship and find themselves engaging in workplace affairs, where finding the admiration and appreciation they seek might be more readily available to them. Read: his fragile egos need constant stroking — and his bad behaviour is on him and has zero to do with you.
Why do men cheat: Inability to self-express
Houston-based psychologist Rune Moelbak has a lot to say on the topic of infidelity in his online blog post for Better Therapy. In it, Moelbak touches on several factors that may lead to infidelity in a relationship, citing amongst them the feelings of stifled or limited self-expression a person may feel within their own relationship. When this happens, the person in question may feel they need to look outside of their existing partnership for a connection that allows them to express themselves in whatever way they don’t feel they’re able to with their partner. Self-expression is key when it comes to communication in a relationship. Toxic-masculinity is real and creating space where you can nurture SQ and EQ in your connection will only strengthen it.
Why do men cheat: The lure of “forbidden fruit”
Sex coach Dawn Serra examined the reasons behind cheating, looking to her own expertise and the insight of therapist Esther Perel (taken from a 2015 Ted Talk), pointing out that affairs are “rarely about sex” and in fact, have more to do with desire — specifically, the desire for that which we don’t have. Wondering if people who give in to temptation ever make it work after the fact? Believe us when we tell you, it is possible, and these celebrities who survived cheating and stayed together are proof!
Why do men cheat: Self-gratification
Author Mark Manson draws some pretty wild parallels in his blog article on “why people cheat in relationships,” but he doesn’t hold back in revealing what he believes to be some of the primary reasons behind infidelity. Number one on his list? An inflated need to self-gratify. When your main concern is me, me, me, you tend to lose sight of the bigger picture, more specifically, according to Manson, the value in long term goals.
OK, but are we going to also talk about why millennials are having less sex than any other generation in human history?
Why do men cheat: Disappointment
Not all experts on the subject of infidelity are therapists. For example, who better to shed some light on the topic of infidelity than the legal professionals who specialize in divorce? Legal firm Gelman and Associates took a turn at the subject of cheating in an article on their website and noted disappointment as one of these main causes. The article goes on to say that, as it relates to disappointment, some partners find themselves unable to cope with a lack of excitement or the flaws of their long-term relationships, and so they engage in an affair as an alternative to dealing with the confrontation of communicating their disappointment to their partner.
Why do men cheat: Boredom
There’s no doubt that infidelity happens year round, but, according to an article on eHarmony, there’s just something about the holidays… Much as we’d like to think that during the most festive time of year, family is number one on everyone’s mind — it’s just not always the case. In fact, often it happens that one (or both) people in a relationship can find themselves feeling so overwhelmed by the season, and underwhelmed by their partner, that their better half ends up taking a back seat to their own search for something a little more exciting — regardless of whether it lands them on the “naughty” list.
Why do men cheat: Financial reasons
If it’s not already obvious, when it comes to cheating, there are more reasons than you might expect behind the dirty deed. According to Health.com, one such reason has little to do with the intimacy-factor, and more to do with the financial-factor. More to the point, a wage gap between partners might be the thing that sends the person who earns less looking for a way to even the footing in the relationship. While this ties into the idea of resentment, it goes a further to identify men as the gender most likely to take lesser-earnings to heart between themselves and their significant other.
Funny, considering there's a reason why Canadian women need to save more money than men for retirement.
Why do men cheat: Novelty and anonymity
There’s something undeniably sexy about a new encounter and all the unknowns that come with that. Clinical psychologist Alicia H. Clark seems to agree, as she notes the attraction of novelty in social situations and how “anonymity offers opportunity.” It can be something as simple as giving in to the excitement of a new, chance encounter, and playing into that experience in a way that breaks beyond the boundary of what’s considered acceptable behaviour for someone in a committed relationship (cough, never forget Ashley Madison is a thing).
Why do men cheat: Disconnection
In a video filmed at a MindBodyGreen wellness summit, couples therapist and best-selling author Sue Johnson spoke on the subject of cheating and narrowed down some of the biggest reasons behind it. At its core, Johnson feels cheating is more of a symptom than a cause of something, specifically, a symptom of an inability to connect with their partner, and not something purely rooted in lust. The result of this disconnection being even the simplest of connected moments that one partner might experience with someone else, in which they may see this new person or connection as a source of replenishment for what they feel is missing at home.
Why do men cheat: Emotional needs
In trying to check every box of professional insight for this topic, we looked to insight from spiritual teacher and intuitive Teal Swan, who discussed infidelity in a 2016 video for her YouTube page. Swan talks about how we are not able to meet all of our needs on our own, in spite of our desire for independence, relationships become the logical source for those emotional needs which we need help satisfying. Swan believes the core reason for cheating is as simple as someone feeling their emotional needs aren’t being met in their relationship.
Why do men cheat: Issues in communication
Marriage therapist Andrew Marshall spoke on an episode of This Morning, where he discussed the root causes behind infidelity in relationships. In Marshall’s opinion, there’s no simple reason behind cheating, but it does often follow a combination of some problem which triggers issues in communication, which in turn creates an environment where the idea of cheating presents itself as a quick fix for the feelings at play. Apparently, your spouse is more likely to cheat if they have these jobs.